Five letter word.

Like the memories one subconsciously suppresses for months, years, even decades, so are many of the memories I have of the little boy we have waited for since late fall 2004. We never imagined this journey would be such a long one, and with each disappointment and setback, more memories were tucked away. Perhaps I did it because it was easier to suppress than to think about being disappointed, or perhaps it was survival. As the months turned into years with no progress made, seems everyone had an opinion - "Maybe you should find another little boy to adopt". "One child is enough at your age, isn't it?" "If it doesn't work out, JR is young enough to forget", "Have you thought about preparing JR for the possibility he won't come home?", "You need to move on"...

Being at the very heart of this drama, WE didn't understand why this was happening, so how could we expect others to? The comments hurt, but we knew they were well intended. At some point you simply go into survival mode, and try and "do what you need to do" to get by. So I guess that what I've been doing, learning to balance sanity with hope. For JR's sake we needed to do everything in our power to bring his brother home and let him know how very much this family wanted him to come home. For our own sanity, we needed to tuck away all the images of the two brothers playing, growing & learning together. I can't even remember when it was I stopped picturing my two boys playing on the beach, or giggling together in bed at night but I do know why I stopped.. Don't get me wrong - not an hour went by that I didn't pray that he would come home - I just wouldn't allow myself the fantasies if you will. While Cap & I have remained strong in our resolve, there was always the slightest twinge of "but what if" lurking quietly but incessantly just below the surface.

Then one day not so long ago came the realization that I needed to do it. Take the first step in TRULY trusting God. And then I got to thinking about my relationships -- with my parents, my husband and other significant people in my life, why I trust them and how I learned to trust them. I trusted them because I knew them.

I knew then that trusting in God was I needed to do, and since trusting & worrying are kinda hard to do simultaneously, I needed to let go of the worry. And so I did. Not always easy, but necessary.

And then of course on Tuesday we learned that it appears we will get a court date within the next few months and once again I was torn. My heart told me to jump for joy, to yell the good news from the highest mountain; my old self told me to shield my heart since the fact remained that a court date does not guarantee a done deal. For a few days it's been a battle again, but today's it's like I got whacked upside the head. Trust. Such a short, simple word. Such a hard thing to do.

But, once again I was reminded of that 5-letter word and what I needed to do. And with that realization, comes a fluttering of memories. Mostly good, like the sound of his husky little voice, the funny things he said & did on our last visit, his absolute adoration for his brother, JR,his curious nature & even the cute way he cocks his head before he speaks. But of course, some not so good, like the screaming for "Momma" on the day we left him at the Orphanage for the 3rd time in his little life, with a promise we'd be back for him soon. The painfully long walk from the orphanage to the car on that cold day in January as he continued to cry. How his distraught pleas could be heard through the open 2nd floor windows. And how I forced myself into the car and closed the door - to the sound, and to the heartbreaking memories - until now that is.
Today I am remembering it all, good and bad. Today however, the fear is gone and I am left with just remembering.

I have no idea how this will play out, but for today, I wanna just remember H3 and trust that God will protect & provide for me as He leads me down the path that He has chosen.

Trust.