Phew, I feel so much better!

Ever have a week where it seems nothing goes right, and everybody you meet, talk to, transact with, is a complete and utter dimwit? Well I'm having a record setting week, and was at point I was on the verge of a major meltdown. Luckily, I caught myself before I cracked and sat down to write some letters instead.

Dear Looneyville Police Association:

Don't you think that if my family wanted to donate to your annual drive, we'd have done it already? Do you really think two (2) calls to each adult family member is necessary? I mean, really. Haven't ya'll got better things to do with my tax dollars? Like, perhaps, finally stopping the nutcase who flies up and down our road on his motorcycle at speeds upward of 70 mph day and night despite the fact there are lots of little kids playing in driveways and front yards?

Sincerely,
Addy

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Dear WebsterBank:

For the past 2 years you have sent me a monthly statement indicating the balance in my checking account is 1.o2. I'm sure you're all smart people there, so do the math and figure out how much it's costing you keep sending the same statement 24 times. Perhaps if you stopped this foolish practice, you could save enough money to hire more employees and offer better services to the point were people would even consider continuing to to their business with you?

Sincerely,
Addy

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Dear Doctor Mytimeisworthmorethanyours,

I just received a statement from your billing department, and call me dumb, but I'm trying to figure the logic here. As I understand the situation, On 9 July, I forgot about my 3:45 p.m. appointment, called you at 4:15 only to be informed it was too late to come in, and would need to reschedule. As if the fact that you gave me an appointment IN JANUARY 2009 wasn't bad enough, I now have a bill from you for $50.00 for "missed appointment"??? Are ya kiddin' me?

I figure I've been in to see you at least 40 times over the past 25 years. Each time I waited at least 45 minutes just to see the in-take nurse, another 15 minutes to get a room, then another 15 minutes for you to grace me with your presence.

I have done some quick math: You're a doctor, so hopefully you can follow along here: 40 visits x 75 minutes waiting = 3000 minutes waiting. Using your rate schedule 30 minutes = $50.00, I have enclosed a bill for you in the amount of $4950.00. ($5,000-the $50.00 you billed me). Thank you for your prompt payment as my husband is currently between jobs, and we can really use the money.

Sincerely,
Addy

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Dear Stop & Shop:

Could you please tell me what company does the staff training in the Looneyville, MA area? I would like to call and thank them for teaching baggers to place loaves of bread & hamburger rolls in the bottom of the sack, right before they put 28 oz. cans of whole tomatoes in. Hey, I'll be upfront with you and admit I've been mad jonesing for a flatbread sandwich, but this DEFINITELY is not what I had in mind.

Sincerely,
Addy

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Dear St. Julie's Church,

It has been more than 15 years since my family has attended your church. On numerous occasions we have advised you that we no longer wish to be considered parishioners. That being so, do you really think calling our house at 9:00 p.m. asking if we'd like to bake something for the annual ladies club crafts bazaar is appropriate? Please take us off your list, or I'm gonna have to speak to someone higher up!

Sincerely,
Addy

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Dear driver of the beat up Jetta with the I love my rotti sticker on the back window,

Last night as you were parked at the lights on Central Ave, I pulled along side of you in the turning lane. Admittedly I was not in the best of moods as I had spent the previous 5 hours in the local emergency room with my mother. I was tired, had a migraine, and hadn't eaten since breakfast, and yes, I was crabby. I was pretty oblivious to the other drivers & vehicles around me as I could think of was getting home and taking half a bottle of tylenol. But then, you did something that totally grabbed my attention and totally grossed me out. In case you don't remember, you leaned out of your window and shot a giant loogie. Not onto the pavement, which would be bad enough, but, directly onto my car. MY CAR! I'm sure it was accident, and you likely didn't even notice my full sized Chevy Tahoe next to you. I mean why would you? How likely is it that there would be another vehicle heading east on Central Ave - the busiest road in town, at 7:00 p.m.?

Are we kidding ourselves here? You saw me, you're just plain rude! Well let me tell you something - the next time you get the urge to hawk up a phlegm wad while you're driving, open your eyes and look, before you open your mouth and shoot...

Now that I've vented, I feel better. Hopefully taking the time to write will help you improve your social skills. I sincerely hope I'm not just spitting into the wind...

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Dear Paypal,

How is that the item I listed had a disclaimer in LARGE print stating I am not responsible for lost packages in the event a buyer opts not to purchase insurance, I provided proof that I mailed a package, the Post Office provided documentation that it was mailed and scanned through at least 3 processing centers, you have concluded this is MY fault? Your email made it perfectly clear that this determination was made based on your Terms of Service, however I'd like to know what drugs you guys were taking the day you drafted such idiotic guidelines that would make it my fault that Post Office employees are incompetent, and as result, I must now fork over a refund to the customer for $26.54? Really, do you guys even read the TOS? I think not, because if you did, you'd realize how crazy they are.

Let's face it, if I could afford to lose money due to negligence on the part of the Post Office, I wouldn't be selling on Ebay would I?

Sincerely,

Addy

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Dear Loonyville Department of Pubic Works.

As I understand, homeowners must now place their household trash in flimsy, overpriced bright yellow bags with the town logo on the front in order to have it picked up at the curb each week. All this you claim, is in the name of saving the environment. Your intent, you explained in the notice we received in the mail, is to encourage families to make a conscious effort to reduce the amount of trash they send to the landfill, and encourage citywide recycling. Okay, I get this whole green thing, but what really frosts my cake is the fact that for every bag your sanitation workers pick up, they leave approximately 2 gallons of trash and garbage in the center of the road, directly behind the smelly, oozing trucks. I mean I've already paid for the bag, and you leave 1/2 of the contents in the road, and now I have to buy more bags to dispose of the stuff I sweep off the road in front of my house. It's just like the IRS who makes us claim the previous years refund, thereby subjecting it to further tax!

Please purchase new vehicles and hire competent workers so I'm not running circles trying to dispose of my trash! Oh, and while you're at it, can you tell them to stop flinging my empty recycle bins all over the street after they empty them? I'm already busy enough sweeping up trash without having to run and up down the neighborhood, collecting my bins.

Sincerely,

Addy

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Dear Blogger,

What's up with the way photos are uploaded to my posts? Why can't I "insert' them where I want them, instead of having them all land at the top of my post. And more importantly, do y'all think I really need all the extra paragraph breaks? And how come the "Preview" never comes close to what the published post looks like?

Sincerely,

Addy